Monday, November 22, 2010

Processing my own Pain

It is Monday morning, very early Monday morning. 3 A.M. To be precise.

I hurt. Pain, real intense, sharp, constant pain. For months now, I have been in pain. Weekly trip to the chiropractor have not been putting an end to the agony. My neck and shoulders are the worst with some lower back pain as well. It is crippling. I went for a therapeutic massage on Thursday and I think the masseur aggravated something. This weekend has been excruciating.

Yes, I am whining. I can do that here. That is why I created this blog... To have a place where I can write about what is really going on. I am forty-two and I feel like I am eighty two. Only at eighty-two I wouldn't have the responsibilities that I do now. I wouldn't be asked to lift toilet bowls at work, shovel snow, or even haul laundry up and down stairs. I want a miraculous healing or I want my life to stop for the time it would take me to heal.

There, I wish I could say that I feel better. But I don't. I am going to get this stiff and aching body up in a couple of hours and start the routine all over. I can't take any pain medication. I wouldn't be able to drive with the amount I would need to make a noticeable difference.

Venting this kind of stuff on people is hard to do. All that is received back is a look of helplessness. There is a strong desire to fix things that are broken, especially in men. My husband had been giving me back rubs to help alleviate the pain, but the pain runs deeper than what he can massage away. I am even a challenge to my chiropractor.

I guess this is the extent of my griping. Pretty soon the battery on my iPod will die and I will be left to my thoughts and weakened prayers.

"God, what right do I have to beg You for an end to this? Job endured 40 chapters of worse agony and I remember Your response to him.

Jesus, You removed a lot of pain in three years of ministry, but maybe there were a few that were not healed. Where they any less special to You? I have few questions and even fewer answers. I think I will put my iPod down and try to get some sleep. I will lay here in pain and still be stubborn enough to believe that You love me. Even if the evidence proves otherwise."

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