Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Transition and the Journey 4: Guilt over unorthodox communication.

Me: Work is over and we are back in the chatroom.

Myself: Not in the chatroom... in the bedroom.

Me: Okay... get technical.

Myself: Can I ask you something?

Me: Okay, but I thought I was the one conducting this interview.

Myself: I want to unload something, unleash, uncover something... but to do that would be of detriment to something I value much more. So I need to somehow be at peace with keeping it in my heart.

Me: I know what you mean. And I think I know what you are referring to. Remember we think alike. What is the question?

Myself: To guard something so sacred is difficult for me. It forces me into dishonesty. I know I have no choice in the matter, but I just want to be at peace. I know I can't do anything to change the circumstances I find myself in. I know God feels every breath I breathe ... He is not unaware of the challenges I face. I just want to know how to let the guilt go. How do I let the guilt go.

Me: Guilt is a heavy load. Heavier that those sewage pumps we sell. You can't carry the pumps without a backache, how can you expect to carry guilt without some sort of pain attached. Need I remind you... this isn't your burden to bear. You can't fix this problem . You aren't responsible.

Myself: Thank you for reminding me.

Me: That is what I am here for.

Myself: Guilt is a crazy thing. It is used by the most well intentioned individuals to motivate others into doing what they deem best.

Me: Every one has mastered the art of guilt at some point in their life... Either carrying it or giving it to someone else to carry.

Myself: There is something else I am very reluctant to share. Again... there is guilt attached. This time... I do have control. I do have a choice. The blockade this time is my feelings, my interpretations, my convictions.

Me: This one is hard to share... I will give you that. It is the feeling that "no one will understand".

Myself: Not many can. I was raised with the rule that there were certain rules in one's life of being a "Christian" that you don't mess with.

Me: But you have dropped that title. We have dropped that title. So maybe the rule doesn't apply for you.

Myself: Who will give me license on this one?

Me: Why do you need a license?

Myself: I am an approval seeker.

Me: Tell me something. Whose approval did you seek when you quit going to church?

Myself: I don't think I asked. I just did it.

Me: Tell me something. Is your life better or worse since you made that choice?

Myself: Better, in my mind. I am more flexible; Less restricted: Free. I better stop there.

Me: Where is the guilt coming from?

Myself: I am still not sure that every choice I am make is the best choice for me. There always seems to be someone older and wiser challenging my choices these days. That is why I want to hide this one.

Me: It has something to do with your communication methods with God. Right?

Myself: I guess we can say that much without ruffling feathers.

Me: Can I ask you a few questions to hopefully help you loose the guilt?

Myself: Sure.

Me: Are you still hearing from God?

Myself: In a weird way, yes I think I am. The whole hearing from God has changed dramatically, but He is still getting through. At times, the communication is weak. Other times, it is very loud and clear.

Me: Are you still talking to Him?

Myself: Yes, not every moment in my day. Some days, I feel like I am just checking in with progress reports. Some days I imagine Him in my brain, so when the words don't come out, I know the message is still getting through.

Me: So your method of communication with God is slightly unorthodox. You are communicating. That has to be what relationship is all about. Right? You have been married for almost two years. How programmed is the communication you have with your hubby?

Myself: I wouldn't call it programmed. But being that close to him, the communication is natural. Sometimes it is hard to get words out. But eventually they come out. And again I am reminded how much he loves me.

Me: There you have it. Marriage is supposed to be the picture God gave you of an intimate relationship. The kind that He wants to have with you. Communication isn't supposed to be programmed, it is supposed to flow out of the freedom of the relationship. The problem is that you and I were raised with pre-written prayers and mandatory scripture memorizing. It is difficult to talk to God and hear back from Him when you are reading someone else's prayers and treating a love letter as if it was a drama script.

Myself: Love letter. That reality is far off right now, but you aren't the first person to say that. You are right. God's love letter.

Me: Does that help?

Myself: Yeah.

Me: Guilt is a crazy thing. Right? It doesn't help the relationship out much, does it?

Myself: Nope.

Me: It's bedtime.

Myself: Okay.

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